Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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