just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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