im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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