um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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