Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
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I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
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