he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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