They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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