I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
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fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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