You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize