My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
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Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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