Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
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she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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