Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
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When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
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The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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