i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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