Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
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I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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