I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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