just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize