...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Found the puke drawer
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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