I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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