i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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