I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize