u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
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I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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