just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
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DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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