yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
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I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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