oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Will exercising make me less horny?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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