I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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