so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
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You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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