She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize