i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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