Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
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The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
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I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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