So drunk its hurt
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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