the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
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Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have so many feelings about this burrito
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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