I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Can I color on your dick again?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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