He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
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The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
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WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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