he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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