I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
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He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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