Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Barsexuality is the new black.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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