My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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