I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
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If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
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I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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