chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize