You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize