I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
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Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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