I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
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my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
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As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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