Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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