Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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