How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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