Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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