I faked an abortion last night.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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