So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
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Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
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My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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