I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize