I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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